Clearance Sale!

   Today I'm having a clearance sale on robot whores! I got a whole warehouse of these things I got from some guy back in the early 90's. He used work on the animated characters at Disney until he went nuts and started making all the dead presidents and cartoon character anatomically correct. I recently got a new shipment of lobotomized clones, so I gotta make room! Get your very own sex slave robot today!!!*

 

 

 

 

 

 

*No refunds. Do not use in bathtub! Seller is not responsible for death by electrocution.

Easter Is Almost Here

Fuck Easter! No peeps this year. This year I'm giving out baskets of shit and used syringes. I'm sick of this shit!

Zombies Suck!

All I fucking hear about these days are zombies! They're in books, at the movies and on TV. They're also all over the fucking place down here in New Orleans AND THEY SUCK! These sad ass clowns are more retarded lost tourists than monsters. First of all they don't eat people. Trust me, I've tried to feed these bastards on many occasions, and they really just don't give a fuck about human flesh. Nope, that shit was all made up for the movies. These guys just want to stumble about, stinking up every place they go.

New Orleans is second only to Hati when it comes to Voodoo, and that's where these goofs come from. Some screwy voodoo guy decides the local illegal immigrants cost too much, so he digs up some slaves. Who do you think cleans up all the shit and used jimmies after mardi Gras? Zombies.

The good news is you don't have to even shoot them in the head to take them out. Just feed them some salt. No shit, it works. Whenever I see these freaks I always buy them a pack of salted peanuts and laugh my ass off as they suddenly remember they are dead and go back to the grave. This hobby hasn't exactly endeared me to the Voodoo priests. The up side of this is all the money I make selling Easter Bunny voodoo dolls. I make a mint and barely even notice the pin pricks. Fuck Voodoo!

Throw Me Something Mister

It's Mardi Gras time. I hate fucking Mardi Gras! Down here we get drunk and look at tits all year round. We don't need to invite the rest of the fucking world to our party! Sure, tourists are stupid and easy to mug, but there are always tourists. When Mardi Gras comes so do the cops, which actually makes it harder to rob jackasses.

Another VD

Here we go again! It's that time of year when the card, candy, and flower peddlers make the green. The card guys started the shit. You have to give the bastards credit. They created a holiday with no other purpose than to sell their shitty product. These guys sell fucking pieces of cardboard! Damn! It would be like if I decided to sell handfuls of grass and told everyone that on this one particular day they had to buy some, and they went along with it! The flower and candy guys jumped on board, but they don't get as much credit. They are just leeching off the card guy's idea. Besides, they actually have to produce something to make the money. All the card guys have to do is slap a cartoon heart on a piece  of paper. Valentines Day? They might as well have called it "Send us free money day."

My Shitty Day!

Today sucked! Nothing went right. Sure, I'm not in the morgue, or in lock up, but it was still a pretty shitty day. First I tried to steal some candy from a blind guy on Clairborne. Turned out the fucker wasn't really blind! To prove his lack of visual impairment he demonstrated how well he could point his .45 at my head. You can imagine how this incident shook my faith in the goodness of people. Fucking con men!

My attempt to sneak pork skins in the Mickey's Stop And Shop that is run by those arab guys didn't work out too well either. Those guys will sell booze and pills that are supposed to make your dick "hard as polished stone," but they won't fucking touch a pork product. I used to pay the neighborhood kids (with smokes) to go in and ask for pork skins all the time. It always pissed them off. Then I decided it would be even funnier to put a few bags of the shit on their chip rack. I figured it  would be a real hoot when somebody tried to buy a bag. Sadly, it turns out they watch me whenever I go in the joint. Doesn't anybody trust people anymore!? What the hell?! It's not my fault their beer cooler is always missing a few 40s after I stop by. Shit! Again, my faith in mankind took a blow.

I just don't understand people these days.

Facebook

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Man! Facebook sucks ass! If it wasn't for the fact there isn't anybody to fuck with here I wouldn't even get my paws dirty with that shit! I have no idea what the hell their goals are. They shove all of these fucking friend requests down your throat, and then go on and on about how you are only supposed to be friends with people you know in real life. What's the point? This is especially stupid when you consider that 12% of their income comes from the stupid games people play on there. If you can only be friends with people you know, and none of them play that shit, you can't play it. I know people who have hundreds of friends they never met just so they can play Mafia Wars.
Their new game is to show you pictures of people on your friend's list. If you can't identify them you can't log on unless you give them your personal phone number! The pictures they show you are things where the person you have to ID has been tagged by somebody else and often THEY AREN'T EVEN IN THE PICTURE! Fucking retarded!