Monday, April 13, 2009

Easter Snag

What the fuck?!! Do you have any idea how many people still have VCR players?! Shit! I can't even trade one of those things for a fucking six pack! By next Easter you all better have fucking Blue Ray or you won't get the melted chocolate and plastic grass! You fuckers think I'm doing this Easter shit for my fucking health? You think I like having to pollute my eyes with the sight of your cheap ass living rooms? Take your fucking Wal-Mart prints and water sculptures and shove them up your fucking asses! Next year have some shit worth stealing or there won't be a fucking Easter, bitches!

Saturday, April 11, 2009

New Easter Tradition!

The other day some jackass tried to charge me six fucking bucks for a pack of smokes, so I shot him in the face and stole all of the cartons he had in his shitty ass store. What does this have to do with Easter, you ask? Well for one thing, I'M THE FUCKING EASTER BUNNY AND WHATEVER I SAY EASTER IS ABOUT IS FUCKING WHAT IT'S FUCKING ABOUT! But if you must know, it means this year, instead of those lousy chocolate eggs, everyone will be getting Luckies and Camels in their Easter baskets! Surprise! There is nothing kids like better than taking a nice long drag off of an unfiltered Pall Mall, and it's even better if the butt was stolen from some dead guy!

Of course, several random plastic eggs will still contain the usual prizes of vomit, dead rodent parts, and human shit. What would Easter be without that?! And of course, I'll be taking the time while I'm out there on the bunny trail to bestow some special bunny favors on some of your mommies. If you think your mom isn't a big nasty beast and is the kind of person who would never share any Easter secrets with daddy, then send me a picture and I might pencil the bitch in!

Hey! I just thought of something! These cigarettes might be even more of a surprise if I smoked most of them before dumping them in your baskets! That way you'd have to dig through the slimy butts to find your prize and lighting up! Talk about Easter fun!!!!!!!!

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Fish Fry!

I ain't a racist, but these fuckers from Innsmouth have fucking got to go! Who the fuck wants a bunch of smelly fish people going around trying to fuck everybody?! DO NOT MATE WITH THE FISH MEN! Fish babies stink, and it is pointless to try to make some green by kidnapping the little fuckers because nobody wants them back!

And these guys take forever to piss! If you ever

got caught in line behind one at a public urinal you know what I mean! Just yesterday I was behind a particularly ugly fish guy who took so long draining whatever it is those freaks use for dicks that I ended up pissing all over his ass. FUCK THE FISH MEN!$#&#^%$&&^#&^!!!!!!!