Saturday, January 21, 2012

Internet Piracy

Boo,hoo,hoo! The evil internet is stealing all of the poor widdle entertainment industry's movies! Cry me a fucking river! I just saw a bunch of movies at Big Lots for three fucking bucks. If the entertainment industry was really worried about who paid for their shitty movies they would have bought the shit back from Walmart before they let the discount stores get it. Shit, anybody who has a TV and a VCR and can press "record" can have any fucking movie they fucking want. If somebody wants to see a movie bad enough they'll pay to see it in a theater or buy a fucking DVD. Most of the shit that gets downloaded is shit people only bother with because it is free. if they didn't download it they would wait until a pal recorded the shit off of cable. They really don't loose shit. You clowns want to shut down the internet over this shit? How about raiding the fucking library where anyone can check out movies for free? It's all just more bullshit so the man can take control. Fuck them!


Monday, January 16, 2012

Why Blacks Hip And Hop

I asked a black pal of mine why so many blacks these days seem to have lost all sense of cool. How is it, I wondered, that the guys who gave us Hendrix, Chuck Berry, and Cab Calloway now give us "sampling" and baggy pants?

He just punched me in the gut (he does shit like that) and laughed. "The black man invented Jazz,"he said. "Then we invented Rock and Roll. We gave the world some of the best musicians and the coolest mother fuckers who ever lived. What happened? Shit like Elvis happened! Bo and Chuck come up with some shit and the hillbilly white boy steals it and makes it big! For generations white people have been putting us down while stealing our shit and pretending it was all their idea in the first fucking place."

I started to add my two cents and took another one to the gut.

"Anyway," he continued "white people have no idea what the fuck cool is. Look at the shit they came up with that didn't start with us." I thought of disco and that whole urban cowboy thing and nodded in agreement as I inched my way toward the bottle of Thunderbird under his chair.

"Well one day we just decided it would be funny to throw some stupid shit out there just so we could laugh when whitey started copying us. Sure enough all the white kids started wearing their pants around their ankles and paying good money for songs with no music. Fuck! We got bothers making millions who couldn't even tap out the alphabet song with a spoon."

His foot came down on my paw just as I grabbed the bottle. His other heel came down hard on the back of my head. As the room started to spin I thought of all the white kids running around wearing backwards ball caps with the price tag still hanging off them. I had to admit, the plan had worked. I coughed up a blob of blood staggered out to the Bunnymobile to get my rod. Yep. The fucker was still loaded and ready to make some holes. This would be the last time I'd get kicked in the fucking head!

Then I heard it. Shit! he'd found my fucking guitar and had started to jam. And I'm talking about the coolest fucking riffs this side of Bo Diddley. Damn. He always pulled that shit. I put the gun back in the glovebox and found my cell. I got more free pussy from hanging out with that guy when he played like that than I did hanging out with Dan The Coke Man. Sometimes you just gotta take your lumps.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Fatty's New Crib

Ugh! Fatty got evicted again (something to do with rampant homosex on the front lawn), so he had to relocate. When he invited me over to his new crib I was expecting the usual roofless trailer or abandoned boxcar. What I found was this:The guy has these things all over the fucking place! I suppose the fact his new residence is the restroom at The Blow An Go Bar And Grill might have something to do with it. Yep. Fatty now lives in the john at a gay bar. He claims the rent is cheap and he gets to eat for free. I noticed he still ha a little of his "lunch" on his chin, and felt a little sick.

While Fatty was showing me his milk carton collection (he likes the ones with the pictures of the missing children), two guys came in and started blowing each other right in front of us.

Now here's the part that pissed me off. Right in the middle of their little freak-fest these guys decided to stop and lecture me on intolerance. Fuck! Like it was my fault I puked. These jackasses need to learn there is a difference between disgust and discrimination. Nobody was infringing on their fucking rights. Nobody said they didn't have the right to suck each other off like a couple of pre-schoolers at a lolly pop convention. I just said, via vomit, that they were nasty. I would have had the same reaction watching a guy eat brussel sprouts and nobody would have said I was trying to oppress him.

Do I think two guys going to town on each others meat poles is disgusting? Yep. It is pretty sick. Do I hate them for it? Nope, at least not more than I hate anybody else.

As if to prove my point, a guy came in and offered to toss Fatty's salad, causing me and the two blow buddies to gag. One of them even looked like he was going to pass out. See! They didn't hate Fatty, but they, like most people, thought the idea of someone having any kind of sexual contact with him was pretty foul.

I will never go to Fatty's crib again.