Saturday, December 17, 2011

He Know When You Are Sleeping

Anybody else getting creeped out by all this technology shit? It used to be a guy could just vanish if he felt like it, and he couldpretty much do it in plain sight. These days if you wanted to go underground, you'd literally have to start digging.

Thanks to the wonderful world of technology, everybody knows everything about everybody, and people actually like this! Facebook is especially creepy. The other day I was on there, looking for lonely housewives to violate, when a new button popped up. It was the "Tell everybody where the fuck you are" feature. Now why the fuck would I want anybody to know where the hell I am, or what I'm doing? Sure, why not just call the cops to come pick me up. The amazing thing is there are plenty of doofuses who push that button. I've seen guys on there who check in with facebook if they stop somewhere to take a shit. Some guy banged your old lady and stole your dope? Just check his Facebook page to see where you are going to kill him.Next they'll be adding an "Armed or Unarmed" button just so we'll all know who is packing heat.

With two fucking thirds of all Americans plugged in to this shit, do you really want to broadcast your location at all times? It's bad enough people post pictures of the expensive shit they buy and their hot teen age daughters. Telling the burglars and rapists when you aren't there home to guard it all is like putting up a billboard asking them to come over. You may as well throw your big screen TV in the lawn with your naked daughter tied to it. They can even use your hand truck to haul it off since you probably posted where it is.

It's bad enough Big Brother is watching. Do you really want me to always know where you are too?

Thursday, December 15, 2011

New Batman Trailer And Other Horrors!

   Ha! I just saw the trailer for that Dark Knight Rises movie that's coming out next year, and let me tell you, IT SUCKS!!! First of all it has none of the same cast as the last picture. Having spent the entire budget on drinks for the crew, they had to go with a bunch of no-name actors. They did have a few top stars, but these guys were all actually dead, so I don't expect too much drama from them.

I couldn't believe the shit I was seeing when I pulled up the bootleg video on that top secret website yesterday! For one thing Batman is wearing some shitty thing with mouse ears and it looks like he has tits! I'm not sure who the fuck that is playing him, but it looks a little like Chas Bono.

Catwoman is played by a chick in an old Ben Cooper Halloween mask they must have found in some body's attic. Bitch doesn't even have a tail! Halfway through the thing the string on her mask broke and everybody pretended not to notice while she pranced around making stupid ass cat quips. In one scene she made Batman vomit by feeding a live mouse to her crotch, and then kicked him in the balls until he pissed himself. (OK, that part was actually kinda cool.)

And instead of the Joker, who was played by a guy who is now dead, we get "Bela Lugosi, Master of Horror," a dead actor played by a cardboard cutout. That's right, in this film Batman fights a poster of Dracula.

At one point "The Master of Horror" teams up with Frankenberry. I guess they figured if they kept referring to Frankenberry as Bane people wouldn't notice Batman was fighting a cereal mascot.

Either Nolan has gone nuts, or this is some kind of trick to fool those of us who want a peek at this shit before it comes out. I've heard that Nolan guy lives to fuck with people who try to figure out what he is up to. Maybe the actual film will be nothing like this. Maybe the real film will feature Count Chocula.



Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Fatty and Pam, A Love Story

Fatty and Pam don't hang out here anymore, so I can say all kinds of horrible shit about them without them stinking up my beautiful comments section with their lameness. For those of you who don't remember, Fatty and Pam were two characters who used to pollute this site after Yahoo360 got flushed. Masquerading as humans, they would post sappy comments in an attempt to lure in innocents for their depraved sex games. The few who remember these fiends might recall that they were madly in love. What you may not know is Fatty and Pam were brother and sister! Even weirder, Fatty was the sister!

 For several years they haunted this and other social networks, leaving a trail of ruined lives in their wake, until one day Fatty died while performing weird ritualistic rooster sex with crippled farm boys. Distraught, Pam allowed herself to be violated by a rhino, drowning in a flood of rhino jiz.

If anyone can think of any other dead people I can talk shit about, please let me know. It gets boring hiding in this tub while I wait for this poon stench to wear off.


Sunday, December 11, 2011

The Stench Of Doom!

Ugh! Ever get stuck with that nasty lingering bad poon stench? You know, the kind of stink you just can't get out of your fur no matter how much Old Spice you pour on yourself. I am The Easter Bunny, and this is my story.

Last night, being short on funds and badly in need of some juice to make the marching band in my head stop playing, I decided to embark on a spree of home invasions. Usually this gets me a few bucks, but this time was different. This time I got a little more.

It was a joint on Adams just a few blocks from the river. I figured I could hit it and shoot down River Road to WalMart where I'd trade my goods to my pal, Marty for cash. It should have been a breeze. What I didn't know was SHE was home. By SHE, I mean 5 feet and three inches of TNT in a pair of Spider-Man slippers and nothing else. Yep. As soon as I crawled in the window she was there waiting for me. Unlike most folk, she didn't seem too distressed to see a snarling 6 foot bunny with a 38 appear in her bedroom. She actually seemed pretty pleased. Maybe the 45 in her hand had something to do with it. She had the drop on me, and I knew it. I was fucked. And then I was fucked again. And again. And again.

Normally I don't mind being raped at gun point by a hot chick, but this particular chick had one little problem. SHE SMELLED LIKE SHIT! I mean this bitch was fucking rank! As soon as she spread her gams the room was filled with an unholy stench that made me long for the comparatively fresh air of a porta-potty on a hot summer day. My nostrils were burning and my eyes were full of tears. I felt like I'd been snorting mustard gas.

Finally, she went to the can to drain herself and I made my escape. I was free, only she'd left me with a special gift. I now smell like a vat of rotten tuna and I can't fucking stand it! Worse, I'm worried she'll use the stench to track me back to my lair and make me hit it again! NO! NO! DON'T MAKE ME EAT IT! ARGHHHHHH!

Friday, December 9, 2011

Help Wanted

You just can't find good henchmen these days! What is up with you guys?! Part of being an effective,antisocial fiend is avoiding the cops. If you're going around getting arrested or deported every other fucking day how the hell are you going to spread terror and woe on a consistent basis? Just yesterday I tried to get Fatty Smells to help me jack some tires off a school bus only to find they'd picked him up again. Right now there are hoards of children not being deprived of an education just because Fatty would rather chill in the bug house. How fair is that?! Sure, they got some great meds in the home for the criminally insane, but that's no excuse to be a slacker.

Pacco is locked up in Mexico, Steve took a shiv in the gut when he tried to rip off a hooker, and DC has apparently been captured by monks (don't ask).

So, if you are a motivated individual who has what it takes to be a menace, come see me. I won't pay you shit, but I will let you bone that ugly clown broad down at Saucy Wings who is always giving me the eye. She might not be pretty, but nobody will miss her if you decide to screw her to death.


Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Brain Stew

Today I found this radioactive brain shit my fucking backyard. I don't know what this crap is, but it puts off a pretty funky stench. Anyway, I inhaled some of those vapors while I was trying to shovel the crap into my neighbor's yard and suddenly I could see the fucking future. No shit. I now know everything that is going to happen to everybody. Guess what? Someday you are all going to die! You might all also be amazed to learn the next Batman movie is going to come out in 2012 and a lot of people are going to go see the shit.



Convinced of my power yet? How about this? In 2012 Republicans will still suck. Good, I see You're convinced. Now it's time to start forking over some green so I can tell you all about the pussy you won't be getting and the money you are going to lose. That's right, for just $99.95 I will reveal all! Send me a cash (no checks!!!), or just email me your credit card info. I already know you are going to do it, so this is all just a formality.