Thursday, December 17, 2009

Twilight "novels" and movies

What the hell is this crap? Who the hell thought it was a good idea to make books and movies about horror characters that aren't scary? They might as well make a movie about Count Chocula. Get this, mother fuckers, vampires are supposed to be nasty ass dead things that sleep in fucking piles of dirt and drink blood. Nobody should want to fucking meet one, and nobody should ever want to be one! You want to see glittery pasty faced emo boys, go to a fucking gay bar!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Monday, December 14, 2009


Why is it this ass clown gets all the good press? The guy is a fucking amateur! He sucks! This goof is so doped up on shit he can't even get his dick hard unless he is getting jerked off by one of those freaky midgets he hangs with!


Last year I tried to make peace with the guy, if only for the sake of business. What does he do? He

comes down here and stinks up the place with his shitty ass Christmas bullshit! Half the pussy on Bourbon smells like fucking gingerbread now thanks to that ass hole! I fucking HATE gingerbread!!!

And on top of that, the guy

doesn't even like pussy! He's a fucking queer! He just went around shoving his candy cane into the local snatch so it would be ruined for me! Who the hell wants to bang a chick Santa has been in?! He's had that dick in those dogs he likes to pretend are flying deer! He even tried to bust a cap in the guy who distributes crack- laden smokes outside of the grade schools for me! This time I'm going all out ostfront on his ass! This time it's war!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Tiger's Wood

So Tiger Woods went out and got himself some strange. Big fucking deal! I don't get why these entertainment and sports types feel the need to issue a statement saying how fucking sorry they are every time they get busted. How about just telling People Magazine and the rest of the vultures to fuck off? Why is it the public thinks they have the right to be all up in a mother fucker's business just because he made a movie or hit a home run? If somebody came up to me and expected me to apologise every time I screwed a bitch my standard response would be to kick them in the fucking head!

Now hear this! From now on all celebrities will stop being pussies and start telling the

press to fuck off and mind their own fucking business!

Fucking wimpy ass celebrities!

Monday, November 30, 2009

Gay Marriage

How would I solve the gay marriage issue? I'd fucking outlaw marriage! If two homos want to screw up their lives by getting married who am I to get involved? It blows my mind there are freaks who sit up at night with their Bibles worrying about this shit. For me the real question we should be asking is why should anyone get married. You're a moron and you wanna be married, then you're married. Why go out and pay somebody else to tell you you are? That marriage shit is all just a state of mind, a delusion suffered by people afraid they might not find somebody else dumb enough to fuck them. You don't need the fucking government for that kind of shit.

And remember, folks GOD HATES YOU!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

All Washed up!

I'm into kinky shit as much as the next guy, but I gotta draw the line at golden showers. You wanna empty your bladder go do it in a toilet; my mouth is dirty enough as it is.

Why do I bring this up today? Maybe it has something to do with a hoe named Paula who had no fucking control over her bodily functions. I've heard of fucking the piss out of somebody, but this

chick took it to extremes. Every time she got off she would hose the guy down. Some gratitude there! Anyway, she died today. She starved to death because nobody wanted to pay to get pissed on. There's a moral there somewhere, but I hate morals so I ain't bothering to look for it.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Socialism And Other Horrors!

If I have to hear one more rant about the evils of socialism I'm going to gut myself with a rusty spoon! Today I actually heard some guy saying he didn't want government health care because the government health care he is on is too slow. If it sucks so bad why the fuck are you using it, jackass?!

The guy then went on to say that if Obama has his way nobody will have a chance to get rich. Guess what, YOU WERE NEVER GOING TO BE RICH ANYWAY!  Never mind that Obama has no intention of turning the USA into Stalinist Russia. Your chances of winning the lottery, having some rich uncle die and leave you a million, or even holding down a steady job are pretty fucking slim.

You are poor. You are already using government social programs to survive. You are a leech and a dumb ass.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

A Timeless Holiday Classic!

Today is Boob Day, so I guess I should sit you kids down and tell you the story of The Little Bunny Who Got Crushed By His Old Lady's Mams!



One day the Easter Bunny was drunk and looking to get up on one of his favorite hoes. The only problem was he still wasn't fucked up enough to do his thing. His stash box being empty, he wandered out into the cold dark night in search of some shit that would get him fucked up for real.

His quest led him to the funky ass lab where they do all the experiments on the helpless little mice. There he found some glowing juice that tasted like it had been strained out of a dead hooker's twat, but did the trick. The Bunny was flying high! Feeling better, he headed off to hunt down some poon.

He found it on Royal, and had her all striped down and ready for action when something strange and magical happened. As the Bunny reached for his zipper, he began to shrink. Within seconds he was no bigger than a fucking action figure. Seeing those giant boobs he dove right in.


Sadly he was crushed between the monstrous mams, and never made it to the caverns below. He woke up about ten hours later in a holding cell, restored to full size, but feeling like somebody had stuffed his head with shit and heated it up.

The moral of the tale? BOOB DAY FUCKING SUCKS!!!!

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Feminine Guy Beats the Shit Out of a Fat Girl -

Bye Bye Big T

That's what I get for buying cheap tires. I've been getting tires for the Bunnymobile for years at Big T's, this little hole in the wall joint, for years. Why pay fucking 75 bucks for a tire when you can pay $25? Sure, they didn't always have that much tred on them, and God only knows where the fuck they came from, but the shit was cheap, and they slapped 'em on fast.

Today I had a blow out. Even worse, my fucking spare was flat. I borrowed a car from one of my hoes, tossed the tire in the trunk, and headed for Big T's. After getting my new wheel, I headed back to the Bunnymobile where I noticed the other front tire looked worse than the one that had popped. I decided to head back to T's.

I figured I was lucky I made it there, since chunks of the tire were falling off as I pulled into the patch of dirt that passed for T's parking lot. WIthin minutes the Bunnymobile was jacked up and the tire was inside being pulled from the rim.

I barely had time to light a smoke when one of the guys started shouting some shit about a fire. I watched as one guy made a lame attempt to spray the shit with a hose, and another guy tried the fire extinguisher. That all stopped when the flames went as high as the roof. It only took minutes for the whole joint to be engulfed in flames, and it was spreading to the trees the shack was nestled in between.

I pointed out to one of the guys that it might be a good idea to put a tire on my fucking car so I could get it out of there, but he just shrugged and reminded me my rim, and all of the tires were in the middle of the blaze. I'd have to make it out on my flat ass spare. I pulled it out of the trunk and tossed it to the guy who started hitting the lugs with the air gun. Just then an air compressor in the building blew, shooting fire at us.

"Get in your car," he shouted, jumping back, the lug nuts barely on. He didn't need to tell me twice. I put it in reverse and limped out of there, trying hard to move fast without tearing the spare off the rim.

Turns out there is another used tire joint right across the street, and it also turns out they are even cheaper. I could have been getting my tires for $20 instead of $25!!!

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Halloween Blows!

This year I'm dressing up as a guy who beats the shit out of snotty little kids who knock on my door wanting me to give them something free. Fuck Halloween!

And it really pisses me off that nobody put their fucking pumpkins out early this year! Every year I get a kick out of going around and filling all of the jack'o lanterns with shit, but this year there fucking weren't any! Selfish bastards! At least I had fun playing Beat and Rob the Tourist down in the Quarter. The one good thing about Halloween is everybody down there is wearing masks, so I don't have to put as much effort into disguising myself as a human before I knock off the jerks from up north. All I have to do is put on a lousy mask, and I'm good to go.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Trick R Treat

Genre: Horror
This is the best horror movie I sat through in ages, and certainly the best direct to DVD flick I've seen. The reason it never played on the big screen was Warner Bros got skittish about all the kids that get hacked up and poisoned. They also kill a bus full of retarded kids and scare the shit out of a retarded girl. I don't know why anybody who is retarded would complain though since, even though most of them are dead, the retarded kids get to put the beat down on some mother fuckers.
We got kids eating candy that makes them puke up bloody chocolate before they die, and all kinds of cool shit like that. And then there is this freaky ass little fucker with a sack over his head who really kicks ass! This guy makes Mike Meyers look like a fucking pussy and he's only about four feet tall.
I recommend seeing it while some chick gives you a blow job, but that pretty much goes for all movies.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009


First you got a 30 year old crime that was committed by a guy who has led a nice quiet, peaceful life since then, making movies that a lot of people dig. Add in that the guy's parents were killed by Nazis and that his wife and unborn child were hacked up by psychos. Then, just to seal the deal, toss in the fact that the victim has stated she isn't too concerned about all of this shit, and have the president of France stand up for the guy in a big way. Know what you got? A FUCKING WASTE OF THE TAX PAYER'S MONEY!!! Why the fuck would we spend a dime to extradite this guy from across the fucking world now? Next thing you know Jesus is going to pop up as a witness for the defense. And even if he was convicted, the guy is fucking 70. By this point we would just be putting him in jail so we could pay for his fucking medical care while he died.

Here's an idea. Why not take all the money and resources and use it to bust some mother fuckers who are out raping kids right now? Stupid fucks.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Big Deal!

Everybody is tripping because Iran has the bomb. Who the fuck cares? As long as we have bigger bombs what the fuck are they gonna do? Maybe they can take out a city or two, but we got too many fucking cities anyway. Erase a few of the ones we don't need, like Cleveland or something, and nobody will even notice. And as a bonus, it will give us an excuse to show how bad-ass we are by turning their whole fucking country into a radioactive crater full of screaming skinless mutants begging for death. Try fucking your 72 virgins with a melted dick, Ackmed!

Unless they want to eat a flaming ball of not quite instant death, they will keep their shit in the silo and shut the fuck up.

Monday, September 14, 2009

More Pissed Off Than Usual!

Sometimes I listen to Rush and the rest of the clowns on Fox just so I can work myself up into a homicidal rage. Fuck, it beats being bored. Listening to Rush is like sitting in on a Nazi Youth rally. The guy repeats the idea he wants to get across over and over again, like a guy who wants people to join him in his compound to wait for the aliens to show up. This ain't a guy passing along information. This is indoctrination. This is propaganda. The other day I listened to him repeat about twenty times "The Democrats caused the recession." Never mind that Bush had a Republican majority in Congress, and the Democrats were in no position to do shit (kinda like the Republicans now). If he says it enough he figures people will come to believe Obama is responsible for the shitty economy, even though it was already in the crapper before the guy was even  on the playing field. And he's right. People fall for that shit. They forget all about paying five fucking dollars a gallon for gas and going to their favorite burger joint only to find it closed. They forget who was in office when they lost their shitty ass jobs.

Too bad for all of these caveman ass mother fuckers. They can be pissed all they fucking want,

but their day is fucking over. Unless the Democrats go ape shit like they did in the 60s and 70s and turn things over to the freaks, the cavemen have lost. Sorry, Flintstone social Darwinism is dead. The only Darwin you'll be getting is when we teach your kids all about that nasty evolution thing you never understood.

Finding a Used Mannequin

Why Won't God Heal Amputees?

People of Walmart

Saturday, September 12, 2009


Some times this immortal Easter Bunny gig sucks. After being around for a few thousand years there ain't much left to do. How many chicks can you screw with a plunger while riding a motorcycle backwards at 90 miles an hour through a school zone and still have it be fun?

So, I'm taking a poll. This week end I should... 

1) go on a murder spree that some how involves all of these garden gnomes I've stolen over the years

2) do something nasty to a priest

3) break into random cars and plant things like spank mags, used condoms and roaches

4) drop live kittens off the overpass onto unsuspecting motorists

5) yell "Fire!" in a crowded theater everyday for a week, and then on Saturday really set the place on fire

and see if anyone pays attention

6) do my ventriloquist act at some local funerals

"Let me out!"

7) take it easy, drink a few beers and work on my

sex slave collection

8) go to some body's wedding, nail my cock to a board and hang myself from a tree outside of the church