Monday, March 30, 2009


After going to all the trouble to set up my latest evil plan using subliminal messages, I found subliminal messages don't work! That's right, it's all bullshit!

It's a good thing I found this out so I could abandon my plans and never try to use subliminal messages to take over all of your minds.

In fact I'm turning over a whole new leaf! From now on I'm going to be a paragon of sweetness and

purity! No more murder extortion or any of that other horrible stuff! Yes sir, from now on I am all about love and peace and all that other shit. You can trust me.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

The Watchmen

Genre: Action & Adventure
Back in the day superheroes were good and pure and wore their underware on the outside of their pants. Now they don't wear pants at all. When these guys aren't busy raping and killing each other they're torching cops, beating up cancer patients, shooting pregnant women, and blowing up entire cities. Kinda makes the Justice League look like a bunch of pussies.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Up In Smoke And Screwed Again!

What's with this new tobacco tax bullshit?! Fuck! Pretty soon smokes will be so fucking expensive it will be a fucking felony to steal a carton!


Today I was in Paul's Stop 'N Blow, bitching about the price of smokes, when this cunt with a fur coat that looked like she had tore it up off some body's floor started in on me. Before I could shove my paw in her mouth, she blurted out that line about second hand smoke being worse for people than smoking. I HATE THAT STUPID ASS SHIT!!!! I roll the smoke around in my mouth, suck it down into my lungs, and blow it out my nose. How the hell does the jerk standing next to me who sniffs at it as it floats by get a bigger dose? Bullshit!

I lit a cigar and stuffed it up her nose. "There, bitch," I said, watching her nose light up like a bulb on a Christmas tree. " Now it's not second hand. Looks like I just saved your life."

I took her purse to compensate me for the cigar my good deed had cost me and rolled out.

Paul is going to be pissed at me for immolating another of his customers, so I'm going to have to steal another fire extinguisher to make it up to him. So far he's gone through eleven, and people are starting to lock them up, so I guess I'll have to steal a bolt cutter first. Seems to me like all this anti-smoking crap just leads to more crime.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Looking For Cheap Bed

@#$#@$%@%$@%$!!!! Today I woke up with another fucking chupacabra in my fucking bed! Damn! Why the fuck do I have to fucking drink so much?! Sure, the chupacabra is a good lay, but those fuckers always shit in the bed, and then half the time they eat it. And no, I don't mean they eat their shit. They fucking eat my bed! I can't tell you how many times I've had to replace my bed because some lousy chupacabra either ate it, or covered it in her nasty crypto-thing funk.

Aside from the mess and the unholy stink those things give off, the worst part is it's hard as hell to get any other type of creature to let you screw her after they find out you've been with a chupacabra. Sure, you can lie about the shit, but nine times out of ten a chick can smell that shit on you. No matter how often you hose yourself down it always takes weeks to get rid of that stink. In the meantime, the only thing you can find that will let you bang it is another filthy chupacabra, and the whole thing

starts all over again! It's worse than screwing space squids!

Anyway, I need a new fucking bed, so somebody please send me one, AND NOT ONE SOMEBODY DIED IN!!!! I HATE THAT SHIT!!!