Thursday, January 29, 2009

Today's News

Today will go down in history as the day Dick Cheney shed his robotic human-like shell and tried to mate with the faces of startled on lookers.

Other than that, not much else happened.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The New Face Of Evil!

Now that Bush is gone, I have to find somebody new to bitch about. Today I decided it should be Kate Winslet.





Why Kate Winslet? BECAUSE SHE FUCKING SUCKS! That chick I boned last thursday had an asshole that could act better, and it was prettier too! Every few years this skank pops out her floppy, lopsided tits, and gets a fucking Oscar. This year, she used her tits to screw over The Dark Knight by flashing them in a Holocaust movie. Those dick heads at the Academy just love those Holocaust films. If they get Nazis molesting young boys, they love them all the more. Never mind that doing a movie about the fucking Holocaust is like making a film where cute little kids and puppies get hit by trucks. Every pretentious hack who is looking for an easy nomination cranks out this shit.

So, Old Floppy was pissed the cool ass movie with

the killer clown and the guy with half his face burned off was taking the glow off her stupid ass disaster romance. She made a Nazi softcore flick, and got the pervo-snobs to give her shitty film the Oscar nomination instead of the movie that deserved it! Fuck her! I'd rather see the Joker do his magic trick with the pencil than look at those scrambled eggs she flings around any fucking day! Fucking cow!

Friday, January 23, 2009

The Oscars

Why does this shit have any credibility at all anymore? The Reader, which was panned by the critics and ignored by the public is nominated for Best Picture? The Dark Knight, which got rave reviews and was so good people paid to see it to the tune of over 5 million dollars wasn't as good as that shit? You have to wonder, when everyone you talk to or read about loves one thing and thinks another thing is a fucking turd, and then the Academy says the turd is better, WHO THE FUCK ARE THESE GUYS, AND WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THEM?!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Bye Bitch!

The end of an era! I'm sure we all enjoyed having a fucking Dalek for President, but all things must end. Let's all just be glad George left us with eight years of wisdom in which to draw upon if we ever find ourselves compelled to embrace fundamentalist christianity and out dated social darwinism. G.W. may not have been the first idiot to become President, but he was the first to make idiocy official policy.

 I'm not sure it was all George's fault though.

When Obama, in his first official act as President, melted Dick Cheney's head with his heat vision

Bush seemed to come to life, as though waking from a dream. He claimed to have no memory of the last eight years other than a vague impression of wanting to be a real boy.

And then he was gone.



Friday, January 16, 2009

Burgers and Buggery!

If you're going to put a cat in one of those tubes at the drive up window of the bank, be sure the guy in front of you has already taken off. It was just my luck the car was a fucking Pinto, so I couldn't even ram the bastard!




Fuck that! I'm here to today to tell you all about my new restaurant. I never had any interest in shit like that, but Stinky Palm Pete from over on Decatur had to blow town because of that morals charge, and he left me the keys to his sea food joint. I got a whole freezer full of weird ass sea creatures stinking the place up. The smell is even worse since I quit paying the electric bill a few weeks ago. Guess I'll have to add some extra spice to cover that shit up.





The real problem is I don't fucking know how to cook anything that's not poisonous. That might be bad if I'm counting on repeat business. I'm thinking the whores might take some of the stink off of the rotten food, but the whores have to eat too, and I have no idea what the fuck to feed them. I guess they could eat each other, but then I'd have to find new whores, and I've this batch for close to fifty years now.

To hell with it! I'll just have some fun dropping small animals into the fryer and then burn the place down! I don't fucking need it! I got those vending machines I got from Fat Vinnie. I'll just pay for my illegal drugs with quarters from now on.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Fun WIth Pomparofurpo Number One!

Multiply History Lesson Part Two: Our Gang Bang!

People ask me all the time about my pal, Richard, aka Pomparofurpo #1. Most of the time I just spit on them because I fucking hate it when people ask me fucking questions.

Just so you cock suckers will leave me alone about this shit, I'll go ahead and tell you about him. I'm only going to tell you this shit once, so if you miss it, too fucking bad!

Back in the day there was a series of shorts that featured a bunch of obnoxious kids. One day the star of the show, Alfalfa got sick. The producers had to find a kid who looked like him to finish the shoot, and guess who they found? Yep, our boy Pompy looked just like the little freak.

Turns out he did such a good job they were going to keep him, and ditch the original kid, but then tragedy struck. He was caught giving Buckwheat a pounding between takes! In a rage, he murdered Buckwheat by stuffing Froggy up his ass, beat Spanky to death with his cock, and ran off into the night.

It could have been bad, but it turned out nobody really gave a fuck. Pompy went on to be a top porn star, reaching his greatest level of fame for his big FLAMING FIST OF ANAL PAIN act. He always remembered Buckwheat though, and he often stopped to look at, and sometimes taste, the pair of shriveled mummified testicles he had hacked off Buckwheat before he died.

And yes, he really does only have one eye right in the middle of his face. Since he has no depth perception, it is always fun to toss things at him and watch them bounce off his head before he tries to catch them. It's even more fun to trick other people into throwing things at him, and then watching him tear their arms off with his teeth.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

My Favorite Killer

First off, I'd like to mention that when a cop asks you why you think he pulled you over "Because you're a dick" is not the correct answer. Just something I learned the hard way today that I thought I'd share.

Now on to today's topic: The Zodiac Killer!

Why do I think this guy is better than Ted Bundy or any of those other guys? For one, THE GUY DIDN'T GET CAUGHT! No matter how many people these other jackasses took out they are still failures because they got busted. If you're going over a list of homicidal maniacs, all the ones listed by their real names are losers. If you see some fucked up shit like Zodiac, or The Fish Hook Up The Nose Killer, you know those are the guys who won the game. Guys like Bundy never even made it to the play offs.

Another reason this guy gets high marks is because HE WASN'T JUST ANOTHER SEX KILLER. He didn't waste time jerking off on the victim's shoes. He just came in, removed their lives, and rolled out. Nothing says

BORING like another sex crime. We want our fiends to be insidious masterminds, not brain damaged perverts.

And then there is the costume! This guy went to the trouble to whip up his very own super villain

outfit, complete with sinister black hood and his logo on his chest! How cool is that shit! Just the fact the guy had a logo puts him ahead of the rest.

So, if you see this guy, tell him I said he did a good job, and remind him he owes me for the ammo he used back in '69. That acid I traded it for was lame.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Dianna's Dad Tried To Touch Me!

Today's Multiply History Lesson: Dianna's "Dad" Is A Fag!

It's not something I like to talk about, but back in 1959 Dianna's dad made a grab for my cock while I was pissing in the urinal in the john at Joe's House Of Muff And Discount Burger Barn. It's true! The guy wanted to jerk me off! The guy looked just like Don Knots, except he was always grinning, and as he reached for my love poll, his pants were down!

I went all Friday The 13th on his ass and beat him to a bloody quivering mess before shoving his head in the toilet.

I didn't find out until many

years later that he had lived and had somehow managed to scoop up the nut I blew while I was smashing his face in with his shoe. Storing the precious load of Bunny DNA in his ass, he made it outside to the back alley where he paid a hooker for sex and MANAGED TO IMPREGNATE HER WITH MY  JIZZ!

That's right, folks! I am Dianna's biological father! I'm still going to bone her though, as soon as she can scrape up that $100. A Bunny has to eat.


Man, do I fucking hate mother fuckers from outer space! Fucking cock blockers! It's like the ass holes can smell it when you're ready to score. As soon as you get a chick talked into buying that can of whipped cream, here they come to fuck it all up for you with their retarded death beam bullshit! Jerk offs!

Monday, January 5, 2009

Music in the 2000's

Genre: Other
Artist:Corporate lawyers
What the fuck happened to the big names? Just about every generation has had somebody who stood out and cranked out the hits. I don't see any Beatles out there now. Fuck, I don't even see a Micheal Jackson! Today's music has got no voice, and no direction. It's all bubble gum bullshit, with a few cool bands lurking around below the radar who never get any air play. It's kinda like those few years back in the 50s and early 60s when people listened to that Pat boone shit because all the good guys were dead, in the army, or in jail.


Last night I got all fucked up and watched that Twilight Zone episode with the evil ventriloquist dummy. Those things are almost as creepy as clowns! I gotta get me one of those little fuckers! You can say all kinds of fucked up shit to people, and blame it on the dummy! "It wasn't me who said your ass was like a big nasty bloated sponge! It was little Wood Head!" I could even cut a hole in it's crotch so I could stick my dick through it and trick chicks into touching it! Shit, it worked with a popcorn box, why not with a dummy?



Oh, and let me let you all in on a little secret. Trix ain't for kids. TRIX ARE MADE OUT OF KIDS!

So, the next time you're having your shitty sugar sweetened baby balls, and you notice the picture of the missing kid on the milk carton, consider the

mystery solved!