Christmas Cheer

Hoe,Hoe,Hoe. Another Christmas. I.m so excited. Maybe I'll get one of those phones that does everything but make calls. I hate Christmas!!!!!! At least I can have some fun mugging holiday shoppers.

Black Friday And Other Horrors!

 What's with all this Black Friday shit? It just amazes me how easily people are duped when they think they might save a buck on some shit they didn't even need in the first place. People go out and wait in line all night to get in on these sales. They camp out in the parking lot at Walmart, ready to slit the throat of anybody who tries to jump line. By the time it's all over they spent eight fucking hours waiting in line. Now if you think about it, if they had spent that same time at work they would have been paid for it, and in most cases thay would have been paid more than what they saved in the stupid sale. So did they really save anything by waiting?
 The best way to save on Xmas shopping is to go out and invest in a rod and use it to make some withdraws. Or better yet, use it to shut up anybody who asks you for a fucking gift.

Halloween Horrors!

It's almost that time again. Pretty soon a horde of snotty little kids will brave the ten foot wall and acid moat to knock on my door and hit me up for some crappy treats. I HATE KIDS! Still, the ones who make it past the wolves and Punjab sticks sometimes can prove useful as pawns in my criminal enterprises. At thye very least I can sell them as slaves or part them out to medical labs. As usual, I'll be giving out cigarettes and hypodermic needles, so if you are a kid, and you're not afraid of land mines and vicious rabid beasts, stop on by.

The Easter Bunny On Aging

Can anybody tell me why the fuck Yoko Ono looks better in her 70s than she did at 35? There's gotta be some kind of weird voodoo shit going on there. It can't even be all of those millions in the bank that's doing it. If that were the case George Lucas would look like a teenager. Nope, it's gotta be voodoo.

     I'm an immortal Easter Bunny, so I've been around for awhile. I've seen a lot of mother fuckers come and go. In general, people just don't age as

fast as they used to age. Today, a broad of 60 looks like a broad of 35 would have looked 30 years ago. It used to be by the time they were 40 they were putting their hair up in a bun and keeping their teeth in a jar at night. These days the only ones who look their age are the drunks.

    On the flip side, girls are sprouting boobs earlier. By the time most of them hit 14 they look like full grown women. It's getting so you can't tell the 14 and the 40 year olds apart! What does this mean? It means that, because chicks look better longer, they accumulate a lot more miles on the cat. Guys hit it earlier, more often and longer. So, even though they might look OK, you still have to trade them in just as often as you did before. Hell, with so many decent looking chicks out there it's almost your duty to get to as many of them as you can.

Spaced Out

Invasion of the Body Snatchers

There's nothing worse than a damn alien from outer space! I hate those guys! They're even worse than zombies! That's why I really hate shit like ET or any other movie where you have cute friendly aliens. Aliens ain't cute and the sure as hell ain't friendly! Most of them are amorphous blobs of foul smelling goo with no other goals than to mate with earth women and to impersonate political figures. I can handle the whole replacing our politicians with alien duplicates thing, but I don't dig them stinking up my women! Ever been with a chick after she's screwed an alien? Well let me tell you, it ain't a good experience! I'm still sore form the time one tried to impregnate me with that space seed shit an alien implanted in her!

Do your part! Kill and flush an alien today!!!

 

New Capone Movie In The Works

Now that Dillinger has had his story told again, and a Pretty Boy Floyd film is in the works somebody at Warner Bros decided to bring out the big guns. They're calling this new Capone film Cicero which sounds like an indication this film will be more concerned with Mr Capone's rise than with his fall. It's rumored to be a throwback to the 1930s gangster films, which could mean it will be noirish and action packed, or it could just mean it will be historically inaccurate.



Welcome To Wonderland!

"One of my first dates with a witch was on a satanic altar, and I didn't know it. I mean, there's a little blood there and stuff like that … We went to a movie and then had a little midnight picnic on a satanic altar." Christine O'Donnell

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Man! You couldn't make this shit up! First the Tea party guys protest a tax hike when their taxes didn't go up, and now they are nominating witches to lead their born again christian movement! Looks Like they're serving more than tea at this party. Oh well, what's a tea party without the Mad Hatter?

For decades the Republicans have courted these nut balls since they were the only people who weren't rich who would vote for upper class tax breaks. Now the inmates have taken over the asylum.

Mojo, No Go!

It seems somebody came up with some incense that works like pot when you smoke it. I didn't know about the shit until after somebody decided to ban it. Now even the fake pot is illegal. Next up is cough medicine. God forbid somebody should use it to catch a buzz. They better outlaw that too.

 What the hell is it with this country? If it's not alchohol and it makes you feel good it is a crime to use it. Some might credit this to a strong purtian streak in our society, but I suspect the purtian kill-joy types are just being used by the big money boys. The Alcohol guys don't want somebody muscling in on their take, the dope dealers don't want it to be legal because they won't make as much if dope goes legit, and the local governments need the bucks they get from shaking down anyone who is out trying to have a good time. It's all about the green. Until Uncle Sam decides he needs the tax revenue from it, the misguided do-gooders and their pals, the greedy crooks will continue to make sure our country is drug free.

Jacques Mesrine

L'instict De MortOne of the last big time crooks with a sense of style, this guy has been called the French Dillinger. There are some common points to both of theri stories. Both were fond of spectacular escapes, were conscious of their public image, and both were executed by the cops. Mesrine, however tended to be a bit more vicious. Where Dillinger tried to avoid killing people, Mesrine seems to have had no qualms about sending somebody on the long dirt nap. Mesrine was also a lot better at disguising himself, even earning the title of  "man of a hundred faces." Dillinger couldn't change his look with plastic surgery.

AUDIOBOOKS!!!

Inception

This was a great flick, but I think they owe me some money. For years I've been using my special blend of Bunny Herbs and Spices to go into people's dreams. Wanna know why George W. Bush couldn't string together a sentence? It's because I went into his head and erased all the punctuation. I was going to go back and jack all his vowels, but I couldn't stand all that creepy empty space in there. Ever wonder why the giant, anthropomorphic bunny never gets picked in a line up after a crime spree? Now you know. I haven't had to threaten a witness in years.

I guess I'll let Nolan base his movie on me, since he puts the shit together so well. Besides, how do you think he got the idea to do it?

Inception (Music From The Motion Picture)

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Lennon Killer Up For Parole Again

Imagine (Deluxe Edition)

Here we go again. This August 9th, Mark David Scumbag Chapman goes before the parole board. Yeah right. Like anybody is going to sign off on letting this creep out. You rob a bank, or ice a guy who took your parking spot, maybe you can walk after a few years. You shoot one of the most famous and beloved guys on the planet in the back because you're pissed off over being a big fat loser, you get to die in jail. If this jerk off wants out he can grow some balls and escape like the rest of us.
I don't know what's sicker, the fact this clown gets conjugal visits, or the fact he was able to find a broad willing to show up for them. He should be strapped to a chair like Alex in A Clockwork Orange and be forced to listen to Yoko's discography until his head explodes. I'd let Manson out before this guy.

The Exorcist

The 70s wasn't the best decade for horror films, but it did spew out at least one that rates in the top ten of all time greats. The Exorcist was a sensation when it came out, and managed to live up to the hype. You can actually believe people fainted, tossed their cookies, and dropped over dead when they went to see it. Like Nosferatu, it has displayed the power to retain it's ability to produce shudders for generations not even born when it was released.

Awhile back they made like George Lucas and spruced it up with additional footage and effects. Sometimes that kind of shit sticks out like a sore thumb, but not here. It all fits in where it should and makes the movie even better. It's hard to imagine  that "spider walk" bit wasn't in it from the start.
The book ain't bad either, but, like The Godfather, the film has kind of turned it into a footnote.
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The Exorcist (The Version You've Never Seen)

Favorite Movie Studios

You Must Remember This: The Warner Bros. Story

Back in the day studios used to specialize. Universal made the best monster movies, MGM did all of those crappy musicals, and Warner Brothers was the king of the gangster picture. Republic churned out the best serials, Columbia gave us Three Stooges shorts, and I don't know what the hell 20th Century Fox was doing before Star Wars. You also had  the cheap ass studios like Monogram and PRC that are responsible for all of those public domain videos companies like Goodtimes used to flood the market with back in the 80s.

Warner Brothers also put out the best cartoons. Sure Disney is all over the place with their feature length flicks and theme parks, but who watches Disney shorts anymore? Mickey Mouse had nothing on Bugs Bunny.

These days you don't know who makes what, though it seems Warners is big on superheroes. Of course, if you want to go international with it, Toho is still the place to find movies about giant radioactive lizards.

Television

 Television has always sucked, but there used to be at least a few things to stare at while you struggled to polish off the last of that case of beer. Back before video, TV was the only place you could see old gangster and horror movies. Now, instead of filling the hours after the late news with Cagney and Karloff, they run hour long commercials. Cable TV ditched the commercials; network TV ditched the shows.



Who the hell watches this crap? No matter how loaded I might be at 1:00 AM, I'm not going to sit there and watch some guy try and sell me an orange juice maker.